you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
