so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
