Umm I'm too high to move.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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