i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if only i could text you this smell
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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