We're facebook friends in real life
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
