I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
