please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
