Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
