There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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