And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
