i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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