I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
