rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
