Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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