I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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