im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize