i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize