I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
