First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
