How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
