she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
