I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
