a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize