I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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