Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
