I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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