Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
