New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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