isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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