Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
