Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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