i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize