I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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