happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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