I heard we made out
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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