Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
