My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
