I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
