My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
