who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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