also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize