You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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