i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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