Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
