if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
