Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize