her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
