I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
