He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
