So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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