i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
