Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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