I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
be right there i have to get my cape
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
