I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
