why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
