When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
