I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
