I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
