i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
