there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
