I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
