i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
